Nobody Puts The Baby Conversation in The Corner

OK…two things… (1) I am NOT pregnant.  (2) I know this post isn’t going to be for everyone…and it’s going to be personal, so if this isn’t your “cup of tea”, I won’t be offended if you clicked that little “x” right now (or even half-way through this post).  Promise!

But before we dive in…? #cutecouplephoto

I want a baby.  Greg does not.

There – it’s out there…but NOW what?

First, let’s consider Greg’s history…

For the record?  He’s not the bad guy here…really, he’s not.  I let him read this post…when it was 80% complete.  Probably a bad idea on my part (but whatever).  His initial takeaway was that I painted him to be the bad guy.  Well, I got news for ya, Greg, and to whatever readers I might have…GREG IS NOT THE BAD GUY…and I’ve since redrafted this entire post in order to make that very, VERY evident. 

When Greg and I first started dating, he was very transparent very early on (read: 1 year).  He flat-out said “I don’t want kids”, he wasn’t going to change his mind, and it was a deal-breaker for him.  He wasn’t willing to bend on THIS, for which he reflected on for so long.

He told me all of this so that (if I wanted to), I could enter into a different relationship, with someone new, that DID want kids.  To be honest, his candor took me by surprise!  I mean, this incredibly wonderful man told me that he loved me, that he didn’t want children, AND THEN told me that he wouldn’t be hurt if I broke up with him to date someone else that DID want kids??  If you ask me when I knew he was the one…?  THAT MOMENT…RIGHT THERE was when I knew definitively.

He was willing to put my happiness before his own, in an effort to make sure that I was happy, and got what I wanted out of life.  This man, now MY HUSBAND, is a selfless, passionate person, and he deserves nothing but the best out of life.

NOW…let’s consider my history {and reasoning}…

…according to the “Me” around a year and a half ago…you know, because I knew EVERYTHING I wanted then…

When Greg, the man that I whole-heartedly LOVED, approached me with the question of “do you” or “don’t you”, I knew he wanted us to be on the same page, and I knew he wanted to make SURE before he “took the plunge” and asked me to marry him.  I thought it was admirable that he was giving me a “way out” if we didn’t agree – again – my happiness before his own.

But still, after hearing this, I started internally questioning his conclusion like… “what do you MEAN?” “how could he NOT want kids?” “are you sure you won’t change your mind?” “I think he’ll change his mind” and every other variable.  But I knew he wouldn’t.  He had already thought long and hard about his decision, so now it was up to me to determine what I wanted to do. 

If I was truly being honest, and fully self-reflective, I had NO IDEA what it would be like to have a kid.  I had my half-brothers (literal “brothers from another mother”), and when these conversations between Greg and I were going on, there was a nephew in the mix.  But I wasn’t close enough with my brothers to have had the opportunity to babysit this kid and WATCH it for an evening, let alone be able to shape the life of that tiny human.  Also?  I had no idea about what it would be like to RAISE a child – and that’s not something you’re necessarily taught in school – not like “Algebra”.  Granted, it takes a village (side note…phrases like that make me want to vomit)…so I understand that every family gets some help when you raise a kid, but I don’t know what that’s like because I was never PART of that village.  No Godmother “role” for me…

I only had my decision-making process to go on, and what I thought it would be like to have kid(s).  It’s not like I had any real-world experience besides my own childhood…and I had GREAT childhood!  BUT…I am a product of divorce which many believe would be considered a “bad” childhood.  Why!?!  Because it wasn’t Norman Rockwell’s version of perfect?!?!?!

Now the Verdict…

…from ~1.5 years ago…After I had spent the better part of 6 months deliberating, I finally had an answer for him…

Greg wasn’t taking anything away from me…if anything, he was giving me a “way out” if I determined that I really wanted children.

My conclusion?  I loved Greg…and I loved him more than I loved the thought of wanting kids.

OK…now that you’re all caught up…

…let’s go to just after the wedding…

I realize I gave you a lot of information…but based on all that, Greg and I had both agreed that we were NOT the couple that would be having children.  And we were OK with that.  I mean, we did get married…and we were both on the same page…for a little anyway…

Now I’m going to be honest…I’m not quite sure what happened post-wedding to ~April…but something did happen…

I changed the game on my husband…

Read: I went and changed my mind, and then COMPLETELY blindsided my husband…

Now that’s a tough thing to admit, but that’s exactly what happened.  I’m not quite sure HOW it happened, or WHEN EXACTLY it happened, but I DID change my mind about having a kid, and sometime in April {2017}, I determined I wanted a baby.

It felt like it was everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE I turned, there was a reference to a baby… there was a mass influx of Facebook Ads.  Which you could easily attribute to an algorithm – knowing that we just got married and the social norm being “first comes love, then comes marriage…” and well, you know the rest.  Then there were the TV commercials and magazine ads…any recorded show, or any magazine I flipped open, it seemed like there were always ads directed towards having a baby.  And then, of course, there’s just the PREGNANT MASSES (via our friends, acquaintances, or complete freaking STRANGERS) and then the subsequent baby showers?  It. Was. Just. Everywhere…*insert exhausted voice here*…

So I turned to Greg one night in April…after having one too many glasses of wine (or bourbon), and very clearly told him: I wanted a baby; I wanted HIS baby…and I wanted to know if he’d revisit the afore-mentioned decision he’d already made.

Well, after a lot of “conversations” (read: emotionally-charged arguments and crying)…he still doesn’t want kids, and I still do.  When I ask him WHY he doesn’t want kids…?  His answer…?  “I just don’t want it”.

Anytime The Baby Conversation is revisited, I end up crying ugly-crying, can’t breathe, and can’t see beyond the tears streaming down my face.  Then he inevitably tells me that seeing me like this breaks his heart, because he wishes he could fix it.  Maybe I just don’t understand where he’s coming from.  Or why he really doesn’t want kids.  I also cannot understand why he won’t change his mind for me.  There is nothing like this that’s comparable “if the roles were reversed”.  Seriously…nothing.  There’s nothing that I could possibly say “no” to that would make Greg react the way I’m reacting.  Literally nothing.

I’m going to pause and dream for a moment…

…because it’s my blog, and I make up the rules, damnit. 

If Greg were a father…he would be amazing.  He is ALREADY my support system and best friend.  He is ALREADY there for me when I need him.  He’s ALREADY helped me through a time that I didn’t think I would make it.  He wouldn’t think twice about helping out.  If you add a baby to the mix?  He would be OUR support system, and OUR CHILD’S best friend.  He would be there for US.  He would help US through tough times.  He would be so much more than he realizes.

Our child, because of Greg, would be SUPER funny, quick-witted, SMART, and (bonus!) ADORABLE.  Because it’s still MY dreamland…here’s a photo for you…it’s a “baby picture” of what our kid would look like … the website took a picture of me, and one of Greg, and then I got this gorgeous baby:

OK…BACK TO REALITY…click “play” below if you want to giggle…

Can we change our minds?

I’m not sure, but probably not – we’re both REALLY stubborn.