...the Stanton adventures...

...the Stanton adventures...

Nobody Puts The Baby Conversation in The Corner

OK…two things… (1) I am NOT pregnant.  (2) I know this post isn’t going to be for everyone…and it’s going to be personal, so if this isn’t your “cup of tea”, I won’t be offended if you clicked that little “x” right now (or even half-way through this post).  Promise!

But before we dive in…? #cutecouplephoto

I want a baby.  Greg does not.

There – it’s out there…but NOW what?

First, let’s consider Greg’s history…

For the record?  He’s not the bad guy here…really, he’s not.  I let him read this post…when it was 80% complete.  Probably a bad idea on my part (but whatever).  His initial takeaway was that I painted him to be the bad guy.  Well, I got news for ya, Greg, and to whatever readers I might have…GREG IS NOT THE BAD GUY…and I’ve since redrafted this entire post in order to make that very, VERY evident. 

When Greg and I first started dating, he was very transparent very early on (read: 1 year).  He flat-out said “I don’t want kids”, he wasn’t going to change his mind, and it was a deal-breaker for him.  He wasn’t willing to bend on THIS, for which he reflected on for so long.

He told me all of this so that (if I wanted to), I could enter into a different relationship, with someone new, that DID want kids.  To be honest, his candor took me by surprise!  I mean, this incredibly wonderful man told me that he loved me, that he didn’t want children, AND THEN told me that he wouldn’t be hurt if I broke up with him to date someone else that DID want kids??  If you ask me when I knew he was the one…?  THAT MOMENT…RIGHT THERE was when I knew definitively.

He was willing to put my happiness before his own, in an effort to make sure that I was happy, and got what I wanted out of life.  This man, now MY HUSBAND, is a selfless, passionate person, and he deserves nothing but the best out of life.

NOW…let’s consider my history {and reasoning}…

…according to the “Me” around a year and a half ago…you know, because I knew EVERYTHING I wanted then…

When Greg, the man that I whole-heartedly LOVED, approached me with the question of “do you” or “don’t you”, I knew he wanted us to be on the same page, and I knew he wanted to make SURE before he “took the plunge” and asked me to marry him.  I thought it was admirable that he was giving me a “way out” if we didn’t agree – again – my happiness before his own.

But still, after hearing this, I started internally questioning his conclusion like… “what do you MEAN?” “how could he NOT want kids?” “are you sure you won’t change your mind?” “I think he’ll change his mind” and every other variable.  But I knew he wouldn’t.  He had already thought long and hard about his decision, so now it was up to me to determine what I wanted to do. 

If I was truly being honest, and fully self-reflective, I had NO IDEA what it would be like to have a kid.  I had my half-brothers (literal “brothers from another mother”), and when these conversations between Greg and I were going on, there was a nephew in the mix.  But I wasn’t close enough with my brothers to have had the opportunity to babysit this kid and WATCH it for an evening, let alone be able to shape the life of that tiny human.  Also?  I had no idea about what it would be like to RAISE a child – and that’s not something you’re necessarily taught in school – not like “Algebra”.  Granted, it takes a village (side note…phrases like that make me want to vomit)…so I understand that every family gets some help when you raise a kid, but I don’t know what that’s like because I was never PART of that village.  No Godmother “role” for me…

I only had my decision-making process to go on, and what I thought it would be like to have kid(s).  It’s not like I had any real-world experience besides my own childhood…and I had GREAT childhood!  BUT…I am a product of divorce which many believe would be considered a “bad” childhood.  Why!?!  Because it wasn’t Norman Rockwell’s version of perfect?!?!?!

Norman Rockwell’s Four Freedom’s Collection – https://www.nrm.org

 

Now the Verdict…

…from ~1.5 years ago…After I had spent the better part of 6 months deliberating, I finally had an answer for him…

Greg wasn’t taking anything away from me…if anything, he was giving me a “way out” if I determined that I really wanted children.

My conclusion?  I loved Greg…and I loved him more than I loved the thought of wanting kids.

OK…now that you’re all caught up…

…let’s go to just after the wedding…

Our Wedding – October 22, 2016 – Photo Cred www.JacksonSignaturePhotography.com

I realize I gave you a lot of information…but based on all that, Greg and I had both agreed that we were NOT the couple that would be having children.  And we were OK with that.  I mean, we did get married…and we were both on the same page…for a little anyway…

Now I’m going to be honest…I’m not quite sure what happened post-wedding to ~April…but something did happen…

I changed the game on my husband…

Read: I went and changed my mind, and then COMPLETELY blindsided my husband…

Now that’s a tough thing to admit, but that’s exactly what happened.  I’m not quite sure HOW it happened, or WHEN EXACTLY it happened, but I DID change my mind about having a kid, and sometime in April {2017}, I determined I wanted a baby.

It felt like it was everywhere…literally EVERYWHERE I turned, there was a reference to a baby… there was a mass influx of Facebook Ads.  Which you could easily attribute to an algorithm – knowing that we just got married and the social norm being “first comes love, then comes marriage…” and well, you know the rest.  Then there were the TV commercials and magazine ads…any recorded show, or any magazine I flipped open, it seemed like there were always ads directed towards having a baby.  And then, of course, there’s just the PREGNANT MASSES (via our friends, acquaintances, or complete freaking STRANGERS) and then the subsequent baby showers?  It. Was. Just. Everywhere…*insert exhausted voice here*…

So I turned to Greg one night in April…after having one too many glasses of wine (or bourbon), and very clearly told him: I wanted a baby; I wanted HIS baby…and I wanted to know if he’d revisit the afore-mentioned decision he’d already made.

Well, after a lot of “conversations” (read: emotionally-charged arguments and crying)…he still doesn’t want kids, and I still do.  When I ask him WHY he doesn’t want kids…?  His answer…?  “I just don’t want it”.

Anytime The Baby Conversation is revisited, I end up crying ugly-crying, can’t breathe, and can’t see beyond the tears streaming down my face.  Then he inevitably tells me that seeing me like this breaks his heart, because he wishes he could fix it.  Maybe I just don’t understand where he’s coming from.  Or why he really doesn’t want kids.  I also cannot understand why he won’t change his mind for me.  There is nothing like this that’s comparable “if the roles were reversed”.  Seriously…nothing.  There’s nothing that I could possibly say “no” to that would make Greg react the way I’m reacting.  Literally nothing.

I’m going to pause and dream for a moment…

…because it’s my blog, and I make up the rules, damnit. 

If Greg were a father…he would be amazing.  He is ALREADY my support system and best friend.  He is ALREADY there for me when I need him.  He’s ALREADY helped me through a time that I didn’t think I would make it.  He wouldn’t think twice about helping out.  If you add a baby to the mix?  He would be OUR support system, and OUR CHILD’S best friend.  He would be there for US.  He would help US through tough times.  He would be so much more than he realizes.

Our child, because of Greg, would be SUPER funny, quick-witted, SMART, and (bonus!) ADORABLE.  Because it’s still MY dreamland…here’s a photo for you…it’s a “baby picture” of what our kid would look like … the website took a picture of me, and one of Greg, and then I got this gorgeous baby:

Created via www.BabyPictureMaker.com

OK…BACK TO REALITY…click “play” below if you want to giggle…

Can we change our minds?

I’m not sure, but probably not – we’re both REALLY stubborn.



12 thoughts on “Nobody Puts The Baby Conversation in The Corner”

  • Ok so before I tell you how much I love you and how it’s an incredibly tough decision and how AMAZING of a father we have always said Greg would be (and you as a mother though this is really about Greg) – the bottom blog post that shows up as a “related” post is from one of our chopped competitions where the basket consisted of: Nutter Butters, Pickles, Plantains, and Pork Loin – ummm GROSS!!! What were we thinking?!

    But back to you guys and your dilemma – I don’t have an answer because my opinion doesn’t really matter here but whatever you guys decide to do: we can be your village and you ARE ours whether there are kids involved or not

    <3

  • You’re allowed to change your mind 🙂 Keep in mind that your body has a legit clock and limited amount of time where you will be able to have a kid so of course it’ll start making you think you have to get moving on the baby making. The husband has no limit. So I don’t think men will go through the same thoughts women do when it comes to this subject (of course there are exceptions to this).
    I hope you are both able to come to an agreement on this. Enjoy the time you have alone together now and I think you will find this resolved in time. You never know what can change for you both in 1 year or 2 where one of you will likely come to a new conclusion.

    • Thanks Kristen. I don’t think I ever thought of it THAT way…my body is forcing me to be crazy! NOW I get it 😂

      Truly though – I do appreciate your insight! Miss you!! ❤️

  • Maybe you guys should watch an 8 year old boy , a well behaved one for a few days ? There’s always adoption of an older child if it’s a baby thing for him , kids are kool , but you knew going in so I hope it does not come between you , I have friends older than you that travel the world , always enjoying eating out at fine restaurants, have a lot of toys , summer lake house , unfortunately they can’t have kids so we all know where their money goes instead of kids it’s fun , and they have a lot of it . Good luck

  • Christina, I hear your heart. Let me start by saying my “o” nly wrks spradically, so here we go. I too never was interested in having children, not me. Jim (20 years my senior and father of 4, and a few grandbabies already) and I fell in lve, quite unexpectedly. One evening, while watching a dance recital in which his granddaughter Maddie was a ballerina, I sat in the audience with Jim and his daughter Belinda. The performance was heartwarming, but the pain I felt was undeniable. I saw the glow on Jim’s and Belinda’s faces, the pride and lve was just pouring out as I watched not only Maddie, but also the proud parent and grandparent. OMG, that’s when I realized, or my time clock went off, I would NEVER experience that euphoric joy if i never became a mom. After much thought and trying to suppress my feelings, I cnfrnted Jim with the questin, would he be willing to become a daddy again, at his ripe age of 50? I explained to him my awakening and realizatin that I too wanted t feel the sheer love that he and Belinda had expressed. Jim was a bit hesitant, but loved me, US, enugh t go thrugh it all over again. He was willing to prgress our relatinship to the next level (tgether for 7 years, married for 1) and now I had turned it all upside dwn!! Jim knew too well the joys and unpleasantness of fatherhood and I truly was never before interested or experienced in motherhood–had even hated babysitting in my younger years! Anyway, soon afterwards, Michael was born and life was total chaos. I wndered, what have we done? A baby with colic, a pissy attitude, and a milk allergy. Our funloving Jeep rides and wine coolers were history. But, as we parented this Satan’s Spawn (nly kkidding), we grew forever closer and matured in our love for each other. Jim died in an accident when michael was nly 3 years ld and nly then did I begin to realize the sacrifice , generusity,and true lve for US that Jim had for me and understanding my needs. He was the prudest dad and my eyes did experience that euphoric vision when Michael was born–Jim had no more reservatins, Daddy Duty had begun and he was so very proud. Our lve for each other had become a FAMILY! May GOD bless you and yur decisions, I pray the lve you have for each other in yur united bond will melt the stubbrness in yur minds and let yur love fr each other prevail.. LY

  • I wish you all the best and as a mother of 3 I really wish I could shed some light on the kids for him… on how amazing kids make your life. There has to be something that makes him not want children and we all know men sometime arent the greatest at communicating but I hope he tells you. I know a lot of ppl who literally hated the idea of having kids and when they became parents they were totally different ppl and attached and love those kids. I hope for you as a woman you get that chance to be a mommy but at the same time in his defense he gave you chances to back out and made it very clear he didn’t want a family so it’s really tough. May God (whichever one you believe in) bless you both with clear direction and find a resolution to your dilemma. I’m always here to talk. Xo

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